Beat Down Burnout

Relationships: How Well Do You Know Your Family?

Hello my friend. Last week I missed coming here and speaking with you. Things just got a bit busy. The week before that, I talked about how we needed to heal our relationships to heal the divide in our country. Do you remember that? Tap one of those emojis if you remember our talk about healing the relationships in our country. Well, what are the most important relationships in your life? They’re your family, right? They’re our brothers and sisters, our parents and our children. Do you have children? I have children and even though they’re adults, my relationships with them are really important to me.


How do you bond with your children? The way you bond with them when they’re little may not be the same as how you bond with them as adults. It may not be the same activities. Well, at least some of them may not be the same. For example, I read a lot of books to my children when they were younger. My son and I still read books together. Sometimes, we listen to audiobooks when we’re in the car. Do you do that with your kids? Let me know. Say something below.


However, we did a lot of other activities as well. Things that weren’t as sedentary. You know me. You know I like anything that exciting and gets my blood pumping. I’m an adrenaline junky. I have yet to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, but I’ve spent birthdays going to amusement parks and riding all the roller coasters. I like driving fast, and skiing, and riding Harleys. When my son wanted to hike an active volcano with me, I was thrilled! It was a real bonding experience for me. When he decided to do something high-adrenaline, it really made my heart sing! That’s when we really got along.


My daughter often did things that got my heart pumping, but usually not in a good way. When she was younger, she was always testing the limits, breaking the rules and seeing how much she could get away with. She was a real struggle during her teen years, but things got better as she got older. Yet, somehow, these were the things that made me think we were alike in some way. My point is we all bonded better, in my opinion, when we were doing active things. We bonded more when we were hiking, or traveling, or just doing active, fun, new things together.


I went through the B.A.N.K. teaching and I learned that my primary code is Action. That wasn’t really a surprise to me. Action personalities like spontaneity, fun, action and bling. I drive a convertible. That’s pretty bling, right. I like traveling where I stay in 4 and 5 star hotels. Also bling. My kids, they seemed to like stimulating activities. From that information, I was pretty sure that my kids were Action as well. My son was the one that wanted to hike an active volcano, for crying out loud. My daughter shaved her head for attention when she was in high school! Those are pretty Action characteristics. I was pretty comfortable I had this nailed down and I knew their codes. I spoke to them in “Action.”


Then,…I had them each crack their codes. I was wrong. I was really wrong. My kids both have the exact same code, but it isn’t what I thought it was. Not at all. Their primary code is Nurturing. That means they’re into relationships, teamwork and harmony. Action is actually their third code. The third code is known as the Stress code. Holy cow! That means that when my son was asking me to go hike a volcano, he was being a team player. He was keeping the harmony. That means when my daughter was doing all those rule-breaking things as a teen, she was actually acting out because she was in stress. It was a part of her personality, but not a part I should be encouraging. She really was in stress, and I didn’t see that. I didn’t see the real her and acknowledge that. Worse, I may have been the one putting her in stress.


Looking back further, I can remember that my son was always the peace-keeper in the family. Even as a toddler, he was the one who went out of his way to stop arguments and make sure everyone was getting along. It was like this magic gift that he had. It was his superpower. Then, as he got older, it kind of got lost along the way. I may have submerged that by putting him in stress. My daughter, is actually my stepdaughter. She came to me with a lot of issues that weren’t her fault. She was young enough that didn’t have the tools to deal with these problems. It should have been no surprise that she was acting out her stress code.


So, this brings up a number of questions. One of them is this: how well do you actually know your family? If you had a tool like this, where you could get to know your family better, would you use it? Another question, is how is this information best used? For example, now that I know this about my children, what do I do with the information? Is it just a nice parlor trick, or is it actually useful for something?


Well, when I learned this about my children, I learned a lot about my relationship with them. I learned a lot about how I had been communicating with them. I felt that I had failed them. My children had been in stress, and I had failed to see it. I failed to see that. I didn’t help them with that. I felt like a bad parent.


Now that I know that about them, I can spot it. I can see when they are going into stress. I can see when they are going into Action mode. When they do, I can ask them if this is a stress reaction, or if they just feel like using a little more energy at that particular moment in time, or if they’re doing it to be a team player. If they are feeling stressed, I can guide them out of it.


Yes, that’s right. If someone is in stress, and you know their stress code, you can guide them out of it. You see, if you know their code, you can guide them out of stress. You can guide them away from their third code, and its values. You can steer them back toward the values of their first two codes. You can do this just by speaking to them in the value language of their first two codes. How many of you would find this valuable? How many of you would like to learn to do this?


My children share the same first code. It’s Nurturing. I can bring them out of stress by speaking to them in Nurturing values. I can bring them out of stress by acting toward them in Nurturing values. The values are the language. I mentioned some of these values earlier. They are things like relationships, teamwork and harmony. I can do something special for them in their code, but it is often faster to speak to them in words that make them feel valued. It works. It quickly moves them out of stress, and de-escalates whatever situation we are in. They feel acknowledged. Do you like to feel acknowledged? Who doesn’t? It’s important.


My children are now using these techniques. My son uses them with his online friends. My daughter is becoming a Trainer in this methodology. This same technique can work with your neighbors, your Facebook friends, and your coworkers. This is how I propose we heal the divide in our Nation that currently exists. This is why I say we can do it one relationship at a time. (If you’d like to know your personality code,or the code of a family member, simply go to My.


This is what we teach at our Codebreaker Summits. We do a much deeper dive in our Signature Leadership Series. However, if you just want to get your toes wet, I suggest you try one of our subscriptions. Email us, or set up a consultation and we can help you choose which one is right for you. These are month to month. If you aren’t completely satisfied, you can cancel at any time. Understand that they get results. This methodology works. Many people have said that this has helped them become a better spouse or a better parent. The more you learn, the more your relationships improve. Your choice. Moving forward is entirely up to you. Meanwhile, remember, you are not broken. You can do this.

Nanette Nuessle